What Makes Someone a Bad Lover?

What makes someone a bad lover?

If you're like most women (and many men), one of the first things that comes to mind is when someone is mis-attuned.

That unmistakeable feeling when someone's touch just feels “off.”

Or they aren't responding appropriately to the emotional, physical, and energetic signals that are present.

Attunement is related to awareness.

If you are more sensitive than your lover, and therefore your body's signals don't register in their awareness,

You'll experience them as mis-attuned to you.

This is why someone can only “meet” you as deeply as they have met themselves.

They cannot guide or join you in territory that they aren't willing to navigate in their own psyche or body.

Receptivity and How It Impacts a New Partner

Another key aspect of attunement that is often overlooked is:

Receptivity.

How receptive someone is to sensual & emotional information (especially pleasure), greatly affects how attuned they can be as a lover.

Think about it:

If a man is exerting himself in the world, or engaging in an intimate conversation, or physically exploring a woman's body,

If he is not receptive to the information that is generated by his actions or touch in real time,

He will be responding & continuing to take action that is void of crucial information.

As a result, he will be mis-attuned.

A non-receptive man (or woman) = a bad lover 😳

And the mistake many men make is in assuming they are taking in more information than they actually are.

Especially when it comes to pleasure.

Exploring Pleasure in a Relationship

This past Sunday, I guest-taught for an online class hosted by my partner.

(He hosts a weekly Sunday call for men focused on embodiment explorations related to dating & intimacy.)

This past Sunday's call was about self-pleasure, including yet going beyond the obvious associations of m*sturbation & p*rn.

We invited the men to explore their relationship to self-pleasure in all its forms.

Food, touch, eroticism, environment, and so on.

We began by asking the men to share about their relationship to self-pleasure, which led to the revealing of experiences like…

“I'm good at giving myself pleasure but I feel like I need to hide it.”

“I feel like I have to rush my experiences of pleasure.”

“I have difficulty creating time & prioritizing what has me feel good.”

“I am not very well-acquainted with what brings me pleasure.”

I shared a couple of key reasons as to why a man's receptivity and ability to be in connection to his own pleasure is key to being a good lover.

His own level of receptivity (i.e. the extent that he can allow himself to be “penetrated”) greatly influences how he penetrates.

Meaning - how he penetrates the world with his intentions, decisions, and actions,

But also how he penetrates and brings pleasure to women.

How Receptivity Shapes a New Partner's Experience

And then I guided the men through an exercise of slow, non-sexual self-touch.

(Which is typically what I guide women through in my programs as a precursor to the deeper sexual practices.)

The results of this group practice were quite moving:

Many of the men had big emotional releases, realizing how often they rush past feeling a certain kind of intimacy with themselves.

A number of the men were able to recognize how their body needed a certain quality of touch that would create relaxation & safety before their self-touch would start to become pleasurable.

And at the end of this practice, there was an exquisite felt-sense of intimacy & connection among everyone on the call.

There was a receptivity present in each of the men.

A state of receptivity that they don't often exist within.

This whole experience reminded me of one of the reasons why I initially fell in love with Cock Worship & offering pelvic massage to men:

When I create the conditions for a man to receive pleasure well,

He becomes a better lover.

He becomes instantly more attuned & available for deep intimacy,

Because he is receptive to more information in our shared space.

(Including the information emanating from my body!🌶️)

Two keys to being able to worship cock skillfully:

1. Cultivation of receptivity. I have been told many times by friends & lovers how good it feels to give to me. People love giving to me, because I'm great at receiving. And I'm great at receiving, because I've had a lot of practice 😉. 100% of what we do inside Viva La Vagina™ 2.0 Membership supports the cultivation of receptivity. There are more than 80 teachings & practices all based in self-connection & self-pleasure.

2. Ability to trust pleasure & access the body's intelligence as a reliable compass for attuning to my man, in support of giving him pleasure and enhancing his receptivity. This is the foundational teaching that underlies everything inside the Art of Cock Worship™ Online Course. We help you discover your own unique flavor of cock worship that has you feel completely confident - because it's not based in principles, it's based in the wisdom of your own body which you can learn to access with ease!

You can join Viva La Vagina™ 2.0 for only $49 here.

You can join Art of Cock Worship™ here.

And you can get my FREE Instructions for offering a Pelvic Massage Ritual to your man here.

FAQ

• When to let go of a relationship?

  A relationship should be a space where support, appreciation, and connection naturally flow. But sometimes, no matter how much effort is poured in, things start to feel off, the dynamic becomes draining instead of nourishing. If your new partner disregards your boundaries, avoids meaningful communication, or consistently leaves you feeling unfulfilled, it may be time to reflect on whether the relationship aligns with your desires.

  
  

  Letting go doesn’t mean failure; it’s an act of self-respect. If there’s a pattern of blame-shifting, lack of emotional presence, or an unwillingness to grow, then forcing it to work will only cause more pain. The idea that love must always be fought for can sometimes be a trap—real commitment isn’t about constantly fixing someone or pushing against a wall that won’t budge. When you start questioning whether your partner is capable of meeting you where you are, the answer is usually already clear.

• How do you get over a bad lover?

  Getting over a bad lover isn’t just about moving on, it’s about reclaiming your power and understanding what that experience taught you. Maybe he lacked respect, ignored your desires, or left you feeling unseen. Maybe he was physically there but emotionally disconnected, or maybe he put in effort at the beginning but slowly screwed up the deeper connection you craved.

  
  

  Whatever the problem, instead of focusing on what went wrong, reflect on what you truly want to feel in a relationship. Learn from the experience, but don’t let it close your heart. A bad lover can be the catalyst that helps you strengthen your boundaries, sharpen your discernment, and step into a new level of self-appreciation. The best way to win after a disappointing relationship? Love yourself better than they ever could.

• How do I know if I'm a bad partner?

  If you’re even asking this question, chances are you care enough to avoid being a bad lover. The worst partners are the ones who never reflect on their role in the relationship. Being a good partner isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being supportive, emotionally available, and willing to listen.

  
  

  Are you showing up for your partner in a way that feels nourishing and safe? Are you focusing on affection, communication, and mutual respect? Or are you repeating past mistakes, dodging accountability, or pushing someone into a relationship trap where they have to keep fixing things that shouldn’t be broken?

  
  

  A good partner makes the relationship feel like a gift rather than something that constantly needs to be sold or defended. The moment you stop putting effort into being present, the connection starts to fade. If your partner feels unheard, unseen, or unsupported, that’s the real error to fix.

• How to tell someone the relationship is not working?

  If you’re talking yourself into staying when everything inside you says it’s time to go, it’s time to communicate that truth. Breaking things off isn’t about blame, it’s about respecting both of your needs and letting go with grace. The best way to deliver the message is with clarity and kindness—no mixed signals, no half-truths, no phone breakups.

  
  

  Let them know what’s not working without making it about everything they’ve done wrong. Be direct but not cruel, firm but not cold. The most supportive thing you can do, for both yourself and them, is to create closure that allows you to walk away without second-guessing. Things happen for a reason, and love isn’t meant to feel like a constant struggle to make something work that isn’t meant to.

Meet Your Author

Courtney Davis

Courtney Davis is a leading force in female sexual wellness, empowering women to reconnect with their body’s wisdom to experience more fulfilling intimacy and pleasure, and as an avenue to express the fullness of who they are in the world. As the founder of The Empowered Woman and Viva La Vagina™ online membership, Courtney guides women on a transformative journey at the intersection of sensuality, spirituality, and empowerment. Beyond conversations, she creates tangible tools for transformation, including WAANDS™ Crystal Sex Toy Boutique and Free Bleed® Waterproof Intimacy Blankets, products designed to help women discover and embrace their body’s wisdom, deepen self-love, and celebrate pleasure. With years of experience helping women unravel shame and overcome conditioning that diminishes confidence, Courtney is a trusted authority on guiding women to embrace their full potential and unlock life-changing pleasure. Originally from Calgary, Canada, she now lives in Austin, Texas.