Your Attachment System: The Saboteur of Desire

Are you covertly manipulating your man? 

(Because you don’t feel safe to bring your FULL expression into the room?)

I would guess that for 99% of women reading this, even the ones deeply devoted to loving & respecting men, the answer is still yes.

The reason being based largely on the fact that the deeper we venture into our attachment systems,

The more sticky, grippy, slippery patterns can arise that (despite our most noble intentions) have one priority:

Creating safety.

This need for safety and the variety of safety-seeking patterns that exist below conscious awareness leads to all kinds of “subtle” adjustments of our expression.

Downplaying the fullness of our desires.

Shaving off the spicy edges of our opinions.

Adjusting the trajectory of our dreams ever so slightly.

Reframing our experiences to forge a falsified sense of satiation.

Dismissing our disappointments.

While these examples may not fall under your classification of what constitutes “lying,”

I think we can agree that these behaviors seem to adjust or minimize the truth in one way or another.

For many, these kinds of contortions of expression are considered ”harmless” and maybe even part of what is “to be expected” in relationship.

Perhaps justified under some notion of caring for the other’s feelings.

But is it really about the other’s feelings?

Adjusting the fullness of our expression can occur at any stage of relationship…

It just depends what equates to being “high stakes” for your own attachment system.

Some people will experience difficulty expressing themselves truthfully from the first date, only to reveal a pressure-cooker of desires months later…

Others may “start strong,” showing up as full & expressed in the early stages of relationship, to later find themselves subtly shrinking as the depth of intimacy increases.

What might you lose, at this stage in your life or relationship, if you became fully responsible for your expression & its impact?

The thing you don’t want to lose…

THAT is what has you manipulate him.

But perhaps more importantly, it is what has you manipulate & hide from yourself.

Because sometimes our drive for safety & attachment is so strong that we can’t even be honest with ourselves.

Desire, Truth, & Safety

The extent that you’re available to receive your greatest desires, is shaped by how clearly & cleanly you can identify & hold the feeling-frequency of those desires.

Embodying the feeling-frequency of your desires with enough potency, requires honesty with yourself & those around you.

You cannot rest in the seat of your desire powerfully AND hide your desires at the same time…

And so if the expression of your honest desires = a perceived threat to your attachment system, then you won’t feel safe to be fully expressed.

Another way to understand this: The extent to which you settle in life & relationship is determined by the capacity of your attachment system to experience safety to express yourself in varying degrees of intimacy.

Ironically, sometimes we don’t even give others the opportunity to meet us in our desires, because we’re too afraid of what expressing our desires may cost us.

Side note that if you are resonating with this and also wondering where your libido has gone in your long-term relationship… you have your answer. 🫠

So what can we do about this??

One thing to recognize is that you might not have to do anything.

Unexpressed desire will find a way to express itself… eventually.

The unfortunate thing with this route is that the expression has to come out sideways or underground.

This means the unconscious is finding a way to express itself which can be FAR more unpredictable than when we relate consciously to our desires.

Shadow Expression.

Unexpressed or unconscious desire can be quite destructive.

Desire says: “If the current structures of your life do not support my expression, then I will disrupt those structures.”

Another alternative (and my preference), is to make the unconscious, conscious.

To tap into the well of desire that wants to be expressed through you,

And learn to recognize her voice at subtler & subtler levels.

So that your desire can be honored at the level of a whisper,

Rather than succumbing to her inevitable (and likely destructive) ROAR.

We come into relationship with desire & honest expression,

By coming into relationship with the body.

Through the body, we gain access to the unconscious intelligence.

And for the deep players:

We come into relationship with desire by coming into relationship with PUSSY.

The Voice of Your Pussy is what gives you the early indication that your full expression is not in the room…

So that you can make adjustments & come into honesty with yourself,

BEFORE the stakes become so high that your attachment system goes to war with your desires in the pursuit of safety.

For many, it is scary to embrace a path of deep communion with Pussy & Desire.

But I say: It’s actually scarier to NOT!

Because even when we ignore her, she eventually finds a way to be heard.

If you’re feeling the call - join us here.