For years, I only got myself off one way.

With the same hand, the same amount pressure. The same rhythm, and the same position.

But over time, somewhere along the way, my orgasm started to slip further out of reach. What used to feel intense and reliable now felt muted. My body stopped responding to what had become a mechanical loop. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was dealing with what many women call death grip syndrome, when the same kind of stimulation over and over leads to a kind of desensitization.

So I started experimenting.

I swapped routine for curiosity. I let go of the goal of “getting there” and instead started asking what actually turns me on today? What textures, movements, angles, temperatures, or thoughts invite me into deeper arousal?

This blog is a collection of what I discovered, 7 tips and tricks that changed the way I touch myself and reawakened parts of me I didn’t even know had gone numb. If you’ve ever felt stuck or simply curious about how to expand your solo pleasure experience, this is for you.

What is Masturbation or Solo Sex?

Masturbation is the act of touching, stimulating, or exploring your own body for sexual pleasure, erotic pleasure, arousal, or release, without relying on a partner.

For women, masturbation is a way of learning what feels good and building a relationship with your body through sensation. It can involve clitoral, vaginal, breast, anal, or full-body stimulation, using hands, breath, movement, sex toys, or internal awareness.

Masturbation is self-sourced erotic nourishment.

It’s one of the most personal ways to connect with your own body without needing anyone else’s input or presence. It’s a conversation between your hands and your hunger. A practice of listening, following, and responding to sensation in real time.

For women, masturbation can be a return, a way to drop beneath surface-level stimulation and meet yourself with curiosity.

There’s a difference between friction and depth. I beleive that quick stimulation can get you there.

But deeper self-intimacy lets you stay there.

It can be healing. It can be energizing. It can be regulation, release, or restoration. It’s a way to tune into your body’s cues and learn how you want to be touched and opened.

How To Get Yourself Off

how to improve your sex life and have your own orgasm — Do Not Chase Orgasm

For a long time, I chased orgasm like it was the point. I’d touch myself with one goal, to climax and experience ejaculation s quickly and intensely as possible. And I usually did. But it wasn’t satisfying. It was over too fast. It didn’t ripple through me the way I wanted it to. So I’d chase another. Then another. And with each one, I felt less. The sharpness faded, the charge dulled. My body stopped responding.

Eventually, I realized that what I was calling pleasure was actually a loop, or a habit. My touch had become mechanical. My breath was shallow, and I wasn’t listening to my body, I was just trying to get somewhere.

What I didn’t know was that chasing orgasm was blocking me from experiencing the kind of pleasure I was truly craving. The kind that builds slowly, pulses through your whole body, and that leaves you dazed, melted, & satisfied.

That kind of orgasm, the full-body, breath-held, time-disappears kind, doesn’t come from friction or speed, it comes from presence. And the only way I found it was by slowing down.

When I stopped needing to come and started following sensation, I began to notice the smaller signs of arousal: the way heat gathered in my pelvis, the way my chest tingled, how my thighs buzzed when I dropped into deeper breath. And from that place, when the orgasm eventually came, it didn’t just happen to me, it took me.

Schedule Self Pleasure Time

I’m a very busy woman. I have a business, a household, and a child who needs me. There are days I don’t sit down until 10pm. By the time I reach the end of the day, I’m overstimulated, over-touched, and mentally full. And yet, even in that state, I still felt the ache of something missing, time with myself. Time where I am just feeling.

But the truth is, for a long time, I didn’t give myself that space. I kept telling myself I’d find a moment, squeeze it in, maybe tomorrow. And of course, that moment never came. Weeks would go by without me touching myself at all. Slowly, subtly, that started to leak into other areas of my life. I found it harder to be intimate with my partner. My libido felt low, my body felt far away. I was tuned out.

And from there, intimacy became something I had to work up to. It felt like a chore. Even when I wanted closeness and fun , my body was too distracted to receive it. I couldn’t drop into pleasure because my mind was full of tabs left open, my mental to-do lists running in the background. Even when I tried to initiate something sensual with myself, I could feel my brain scanning for what still hadn’t been done. There was always something more "productive" I should be doing. And that mindset kills arousal.

For a while, I kept thinking, Maybe I just need to be more spontaneous. That’s what people say about good sex, right? That it should be natural, unplanned, wild. But I live in the real world. And in the real world, spontaneity is a luxury, especially when you’re balancing motherhood, work, and the invisible weight of everything else.

So I made a different decision. I started scheduling my self-pleasure.

It started with blocking time in my calendar like I would a Zoom call or dentist appointment. But I knew that if I didn’t protect that time, something else would always fill it. So I picked a time I could realistically commit to, once a week to start. I made it clear to my partner that I wasn’t to be interrupted. And I didn’t wait to be “in the mood, ”I showed up to see what was there.

When I started prioritizing self-pleasure like I do every other responsibility, I started recognizing it as essential, as something that reconnected me to me. What mattered was that I kept showing up. And through that consistency, my arousal softened & my capacity grew. I noticed that I stayed more open in my daily life, more tuned in, more responsive, more grounded. I didn’t feel so far away from myself anymore.

Do Not Use Overstimulating Sex Toys

For most of my sexually active life, vibrators were my go-to. I didn’t even realize there were other options. Every sex shop I’d ever walked into, every ad I’d seen online, they all pushed the same narrative of using high-speed vibrators and clitoral stimulators. What it created in me was dependency and disconnection.

I used to get myself off in under a minute. Fast, intense, efficient. Then I’d stash the vibrator away until the next time I felt a desperate urge to release. It wasn’t a ritual. It wasn’t even pleasure most of the time, it was just tension and then relief. Over and over. And while it worked on the surface, what I didn’t see at the time was that it made me one-dimensional.

All of my attention was on climax. I wasn’t exploring the texture of pleasure, the way it builds, softens, returns, or swells in waves. I wasn’t even present. I was hitting a button and waiting for the response.

I only discovered crystal wands in the past year, and they’ve completely changed my relationship with self-pleasure.

When I tried a crystal wand for the first time, I expected it to work like a vibrator. I wanted it to do something to me. I remember feeling this sense of urgency, like I needed more. But instead of reaching for something stronger, I paused. I made a choice to stay with what was there. To slow down. I let myself feel the pleasure instead of rushing toward release. And for the first time in years, I realized how much sensation was available to me when I gave it space to unfold.

Crystal wands require you to show up. To me, using one is like using a meditation tool. It slows you down and pulls you inward. You become aware of pressure, temperature, resistance, subtle pleasure, and deep emotional shifts.

Now, I can’t stand using vibrators. They short-circuit my ability to stay present. They bypass my deeper arousal pathways and leave me feeling more buzzed than satisfied. I want to feel the whole wave of pleasure, how it moves through my body, rises, dips, and transforms me. That’s what a crystal wand gives me access to.

Awaken Your Erogenous Tissues Through Wands and Eggs

I just assumed it would always be there, that pulsing aliveness, that grip during penetration, that ability to contract and respond and pull in pleasure without even trying. I didn’t need to think about it, let alone train it.

Then I had a baby at 26.

And suddenly, my body didn’t behave the way it used to.

The muscles that once responded instinctively now felt disorganized. The grip I used to feel was gone. Or at least inconsistent. It was a quiet loss, something no one warns you about, the loss of intimate control.

That was when I started looking for support, and I kept seeing women rave about yoni eggs. At first I was abit weirded out by the idea.

But I tried it.

With regular, gentle use, just a few minutes a day, I could feel something rebuilding. Sensation, awareness. My vaginal walls were remembering how to respond. I could contract again with more precision. I could feel the egg. I could hold it, move with it, pulse with it. My vaginal tissue was waking up again.

Of all the things I’ve tried, yoni eggs have been the #1 tool that helped me restore my vaginal tone, not just to my pre-pregnancy state, but honestly to a level of responsiveness I hadn’t felt since I was 16. That’s how powerful consistent, gentle inner engagement can be.

I also found that crystal wands helped alot in retightening my vaginal walls.

Wands allowed sensation to build and to move through me slowly and fully. And in that space, my vaginal walls started to contract better and for longer.

I learned that arousal is more than desire. It’s a physical training state. The longer you stay in that state, where you're soft, open, stimulated, but not rushing toward orgasm, the more your vaginal walls strengthen. Arousal literally tones your vaginal tissue. It teaches it to engage, hold, release, and feel.

Learn How To Release The Pelvic Floor

I used to think the pelvic floor was something you only needed to worry about during pregnancy or post-birth recovery. The idea that it could affect my arousal, orgasms, or overall capacity for pleasure didn’t even cross my mind.

But when I started exploring self-pleasure more intentionally, after birth & after realizing how checked out I’d become I kept noticing that my pelvic floor was always on. Subtly clenched. Without me doing anything. Even when I was lying down. Even when I was trying to relax. My body was holding, and I hadn’t asked it to.

Many women have chronically contracted pelvic floors and have no idea. It’s not just the result of trauma or childbirth (though those can absolutely be contributing factors). It’s also the result of social and postural conditioning:

We're told to “suck it in” from a young age, flatten the belly, hold the core, be smaller.
We learn to brace for discomfort, unwanted touch, sex we didn’t fully want, being looked at, being penetrated too soon.
We spend most of the day in chairs with poor posture, shortening our hip flexors and keeping our pelvic floor compressed.
We perform “tightness” as sexiness, believing that being tight is equivalent to being desirable.

So we grip. All day long, with a low-level, quiet clench that becomes a baseline.

You might not even notice until you try to relax and realize... you can't.

A tight pelvic floor restricts blood flow to the entire pelvic region, which dulls arousal and makes it harder to build sensation. It can cause reduced lubrication. It can create tension during penetration, especially around the entrance of the vagina or the vaginal walls.

In my case, I realized that while I could “contract” during pleasure, it wasn’t full-bodied engagement, it was rigidity. And over time, that rigidity made my orgasms feel flatter & less satisfying. I was pushing through a wall of tension I didn’t even know was there.

Calm Your Nervous System

I was born with a nervous system disorder. It lived inside me, like electricity under the skin. This is the result of a medication my mother was prescribed during pregnancy that she should never have been given. From the time I was a toddler, my body carried an invisible baseline of urgency, a constant undercurrent of readiness to react.

This was a deep, cellular-level state of alarm. I lived like this for decades and thought it was just my personality. It wasn’t. It was a nervous system stuck in sympathetic dominance, the mode your body goes into when it believes something is always about to happen. Fight. Flight. Freeze.

And I carried that same state into sex.

I had sex for nearly 10 years without actually experiencing pleasure because my nervous system was operating on a setting where sensation wasn’t safe enough to register. I was in the room, my body was being touched, but I wasn’t inside the experience. Nothing reached me.

I could mimic what I thought I should be feeling, but I wasn’t feeling it. And at the time, I blamed myself. But what I now know is: I was frozen in a neurophysiological freeze response. My system was overloaded and overprotected. And when your nervous system is in that state, it doesn’t matter how much stimulation you add, you won’t feel it fully.

Eventually, I found my way into meditation to start hearing what my body was trying to say underneath the noise. I began practicing body awareness, tracking subtle tension, and relearning what settling actually feels like.

Over time, through breath, somatic practice, and real self-study, I started to shift. I was changing the way my body perceived input. I was creating an internal environment where pleasure could land.

Now, before I engage in self-pleasure, I start by calming my system, because this is the only way my body can fully register pleasure as good.

Find Your Needs and Desires

Pleasure doesn’t happen on autopilot, and there’s no right or wrong way to achieve it. It’s something you co-create with your body.

This is why learning to identify your needs and desires is the core of sexual satisfaction. If you don’t know what your body wants in a specific moment, you’re likely repeating patterns that don’t work, relying on habit instead of sensation, and bypassing the possibility of deeper, more lasting fulfillment.

If you’re always doing the same routine, same rhythm, same touch, same toy, you’re training your body into a narrow version of pleasure. If you never pause to ask what’s actually needed, your body may be tolerating touch rather than enjoying it. And if you’re disconnected from what you want during solo pleasure, that disconnection will show up with a partner, too.

For years, I touched myself the same way: quick, clitoral, friction-based, straight to orgasm. No check-in. And over time, that created a kind of flatness in my erotic life. I didn’t realize I was overriding my own arousal cues. Some days my body didn’t even want touch. Other days, I wanted something completely different, a slower buildup, a firmer grip, emotional release instead of climax. But I wasn’t listening, so I wasn’t receiving.

Everything shifted when I slowed down and started asking questions:

What does my body need today, comfort, release, connection, intensity?
Do I even want to be touched?
Where is sensation building? Do I want more or less pressure?
Do I want emotional closeness or just physical stimulation?

These questions matter because your body is not the same every day. Hormones shift, stress levels shift. Your nervous system might be open and grounded, or tight and guarded. Without checking in, you’re applying a one-size-fits-all approach to a system that is never static.

FAQ

What Is a Hands-Free Orgasm?

A hands-free orgasm is when a woman reaches orgasm without using her fingers, hands, or direct touch. It usually happens by stimulating the clitoris, g spot, or internal body through movement, breath, pelvic tension, or the use of a stationary sex toy like dildos, suction cups, or a curved vibrator. Many women experience hands-free orgasms while lying on their stomach, moving against a pillow, sitting on the edge of a chair, or even using the shower head in a specific way. What matters is how your body responds, and learning how to get yourself off in ways that don’t rely solely on your hands gives you access to a new level of pleasure. These orgasms are often more full-bodied and deeply rooted in arousal rather than friction.
What’s the Difference Between Hands-Free and Touch-Free Orgasm?

Hands-free orgasm means reaching climax without using your hands or fingers, but it still involves some form of stimulation, whether that’s from movement, a sex toy, pressure, or pelvic engagement. Many women use vibrators, dildos, or even creative tools like suction cups placed against surfaces to generate friction or depth. Some find the right rhythm through different positions that allow the body to move in a way that builds arousal naturally. Touch-free orgasm, on the other hand, involves no physical contact at all, not even from a tool or external surface. These are less common but entirely real. In these cases, orgasm is accessed through breath, fantasy, deep pelvic focus, brain-body connection, and intense internal sensations that are generated mentally and emotionally.
What Are the Side Effects of Masturbation?

When done with attention and variety, masturbating is one of the most powerful tools available to support your pleasure, health, and relationships. Regular self pleasure helps regulate your nervous system, improves sleep, lowers stress, increases vaginal lubrication, builds orgasm capacity, and strengthens self love and body awareness. It teaches you how to stimulate your vulva, clitoris, and g spot in ways that allow you to explore what truly feels good, not just what you've seen in porn or learned through partner sex. For many women, it’s the only time they receive erotic touch that’s fully attuned to their own desires, pace, and internal rhythm. That said, there can be challenges if you're using only one kind of sex toy, relying heavily on intense vibration, or using the shower head or same pattern over and over again. This can limit your ability to reach orgasm with a partner, reduce sensitivity to touch, and create a narrow definition of what your body needs to climax. It can also lead to mild swelling, soreness, or overstimulation of the clitoris if you’re using too much pressure without lube or variation. Some women report feeling guilt or emotional discomfort due to outdated messages that masturbation is wrong, dirty, or something to hide.

Meet Your Author

Danelle Ferreira

Danelle Ferreira is a content marketing expert who writes for women-owned businesses, creating heart-centered content that helps brands grow and messages spread with purpose. Her passion is helping women-led brands craft stories that move people. Her journey into content creation began seven years ago when she launched Ellastrology, an astrology YouTube channel that explored astrological wisdom and human connection. But it wasn’t long before she realized her true calling was in writing, the kind that makes people feel seen, heard, and understood. Now, as a mom, a writer, and an advocate for deeper conversations, she spends her days crafting content that empowers women while staying rooted in authenticity, all from her home in South Africa, surrounded by her loving son, two noisy parrots, and two sweet dogs.

How To Get Yourself Off: 7 Tips & Tricks